This will be an interesting essay. I have never written about my sexuality publicly because one, it's none of your business but two, because to me the concept of "coming out" today seems reserved for LGBT folk. However as a feminist (or someone who partakes in a long feminist tradition), I knew that I would have to first be open about my sexuality in order to then become an asexual activist and advocate. A model, and one of the most well-known asexual activists, Yasmin Benoit, mentioned in a Sky News reporting on asexuality that "with people not knowing that asexuality exists, it comes with people constantly trying to debunk your identity all the time." Asserting your fullest self can be scary, can be vulnerable, but it is necessary if you want to be seen, be heard, and encourage others to simply exist as they are.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is generally defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction towards other people. There is a lot more nuance to asexuality than people think, but since this blog post is about me, I will direct you to more information here. It is estimated that asexuals make up 1% of the world's population according to research by Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada.
Many times an asexual will also be categorized as aromantic, or not being romantically attracted to people. Not all asexuals are aromantic, but this is the case for some asexuals as well as people who are straight, gay, or bi. For example, you can be straight but not romantically attracted to whoever you're dating, as is the case for this Youtuber. Also asexuals can be hetero-romantic, homo-romantic, and bi-romantic. If these terms are getting confusing, direct your attention to their dictionary definitions here: hetero-romantic, homo-romantic, bi-romantic (they weren't just made-up labels from Tumblr).
What is asexuality for me?
I am on the far side of the asexual or "ace" spectrum where I feel no sexual attraction towards people at all: women, men, or gender non-conforming folk. For example, when I walk down the street and I see a man who is aesthetically pleasing, I think "wow, that person is aesthetically pleasing," and I keep on rolling. One of my celebrity crushes is the magnificent Idris Elba, but at most I would like his photo on my wall like a piece of art. There is no sexual attraction happening between me and the person on the street, nor me and Idris Elba (and there shouldn't be; he just got married!). I can be romantically attracted to men, which I guess makes me a hetero-romantic asexual, but that's a lot of words. I like to keep it short and just say I'm asexual.
When did you find out?
I had a reputation of not dating in high school, to the point where my friends used to call me a "sponge" because biologically, sponges reproduce through the asexual method of "budding" (this only happens half of the time). I accepted that nickname as a funny joke, while the concept of asexuality became stored in the back of my mind. It wasn't really until my freshman year of college where I began exploring the internet, searching for community and validation. David Jay (the founder of AVEN) was the first face this ace saw when researching language to describe her sexuality. I am grateful for growing up at a time where the internet could clear up a lot of my confusion at a relatively early age, while also introducing me to a community of people all over the world who share similar experiences with me. For example, while researching for this post I thought, "what's the word for "asexual" in Portuguese?" Later, I came across this site based in Brazil which expresses that the number of asexual people in Brazil is estimated to be 7% for women and 2.5% for men. Upon further research, I came across this French Youtuber who details her experiences as an asexual woman en français, which you can find here if you're a Francophile like I am.
Soooo, how are you different?
This is the age-ole question: How are you different? Are you normal? How do you fit in our hyper-sexualized American society? Well actually, I personally do not differ so much from the norm. When I look to my future, I see myself getting married, adopting five beautiful black girls and living my best life with the man I love. If someone were to meet me 20 years in the future and this is how my life turned out, they would think nothing of it. Why? Because I will have followed the script of how a Christian woman is supposed to live in our society; I will have followed the model of how an American nuclear family is supposed to look. But when you look closer, there is a lot more nuance to my situation and many others'. The concept of the "perfect nuclear family" in my opinion is becoming obsolete.
Outside from my case, many asexuals around the world are creating themselves and shaping their lives by existing differently in their societies. They are breaking away from the model of what a relationship should look like since they do not fit that narrow mold. Many asexuals must choose to exist differently in order to exist at all. A French Pop singer, Christine and the Queens expresses this "difference in being" beautifully in a Billboard interview.
Should asexuality be included in the LGBTQ+ community?
First, it already is. The most recent update of the community acronym is LGBTQIA+ with A standing in for asexual, aromantic, agender, or simply ally. But it is often debated whether or not asexuals should be included alongside LGBT folk for the reason that some of us can "pass" for a "normal" straight couple and live out our lives. We are not killed in the streets the way trans women of color are, we aren't seemingly bullied or harassed the way gay men and lesbians are. However, the notion that asexual people are not the targets for discrimination is rooted in the fact that the world does not know we exist. With such a small percentage of the population identifying as asexual, and asexuality acting as an Invisible Orientation in the shadows of our hetero-normative and hyper-sexualized society, many of our stories go untold.
We are gaining traction at Pride Parades, as you can find in these articles:
Problems only asexuals understand
Being scared that a guy/girl that you like will not like you back because you are asexual and they are not
Deciding to confide in someone about your sexuality for them to then say "it's a phase, you'll grow out of it" (this can apply to the entire LGBTQ+ community). The erasure of identity is violence, don't do this.
Someone asking questions about your sexual history because you being asexual somehow gives them the right (this can also apply to the entire LGBTQ+ community)
Being stereotyped as an ugly, virgin, insecure introvert who made up a sexuality to justify them not being able to ever find a partner
People assuming that you can't love because you don't feel sexual attraction
Being asked about your hormone levels or if you have gone to the doctor (again, assuming there's something wrong with you)
Engaging with dating apps and having people call you a "prude" or a "tease" for not wanting to have sex
I don't know how common this experience is; fellow aces, have you experienced this?: When I am approached on the street or on my college campus by men and sometimes women trying to ask me out, I have a history of lying about why I don't think they and I would be a good match. Saying things like "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm in a relationship" were excuses I made to dodge further conversation. Though, it sucks that the only way to stop someone's unwanted advances to get your number, go on a date, or just have sex with you is to claim that you are the property of another man (patriarchy y'all...). Making up these excuses on the spot becomes tiring for me, and since I started wearing an "honesty" bracelet, it also becomes hypocritical.
(A few of these examples were borrowed from videos by Yasmin Benoit and Ichoal)
This list can go on but I think you get the point. Ignorance comes from lack-of-knowledge. Sites like this and videos like this increase the visibility of asexuals so that the ignorance can fade with time.
I plan on making another post in the future as a comprehensive resource guide for those who want to know more about asexuality. But if you really want to know more, the internet is your best friend.
